Ten bizarre inventions from the past that never caught on

People once caged babies several stories above the street

Ever wonder what happened to all those "revolutionary" gadgets that promised to change our lives? Some ideas were just too weird, too early, or too wonderfully impractical to survive. Let's take a nostalgic trip through the patent office's hall of shame.

Back when fresh air was considered a cure-all, London parents who lived in apartments faced a dilemma: how to give their babies outdoor time without a yard? The solution was a wire cage that hung outside the window, suspending Junior several stories above the street. Parents would just pop the baby in the cage and go about their day.

Shockingly, this didn't catch on. Perhaps it was the image of infants dangling precariously over busy sidewalks.

Imagine a giant goldfish bowl on your head, lined with cork, with only a thin slit to see through. That was the Isolator, designed to help people concentrate by blocking out all distractions. The inventor, Hugo Gernsback, thought sensory deprivation was the key to productivity. An attached oxygen tank let you breathe while you worked.

The problem? Looking like a deep-sea diver at your desk isn't exactly conducive to office camaraderie. Plus, trying to type while essentially wearing a fish tank proved impractical.

This battery-powered cone featured a small motor that rotated the ice cream for you, so you could just stick out your tongue and let technology do the rest. It was supposed to prevent drips and ensure even licking coverage.

The invention raised an important question: had we become so lazy that rotating our wrist was now an insurmountable challenge? Apparently, the answer was no. The motorized cone disappeared faster than ice cream on a summer day.

This amphibious bicycle promised to let you pedal across lakes and rivers just as easily as riding down Main Street. It featured a boat-like hull and paddle wheels instead of regular tires. The inventor envisioned commuters cycling across waterways, avoiding bridge traffic entirely.

Unfortunately, the Cyclomer was heavy, slow on both land and water, and required the leg strength of an Olympic athlete to move at anything faster than a crawl.

Dr. John Brinkley convinced thousands of men that transplanting goat testicles into humans would restore youth and vigor. For the bargain price of $750 (about $12,000 today), you could have surgery in his Kansas clinic and supposedly regain the vitality of your younger days.

Unsurprisingly, the procedure didn't work—goat glands don't function in human bodies. Brinkley eventually lost his medical license, but not before making millions.

When cars first became common, someone invented a net-like contraption that attached to the front bumper to scoop up pedestrians before running them over. The idea was that the person would land safely in the net instead of under the wheels. It looked like an industrial-sized butterfly net.

The fatal flaw? Getting hit by a car and caught in a net is still getting hit by a car. Plus, the contraption made vehicles longer and harder to maneuver, probably causing more accidents than it prevented.

Picture this: you're stuck in bed recovering from illness, and what you really need is a full-size piano suspended over your body. That's what one inventor thought, anyway. The piano hung horizontally above the patient, who could supposedly play while lying flat on their back.

Beyond the obvious safety concerns of dangling a heavy musical instrument over sick people, there was the question of who actually wants to play piano while confined to bed.

In an era when dimples were considered irresistibly charming, someone invented a face-shaping device that promised to create them artificially. The contraption used springs and knobs to press into your cheeks for 15 minutes daily until dimples supposedly formed permanently.

It didn't work, of course—dimples are genetic, caused by variations in facial muscle structure. But that didn't stop people from trying.

L. Ron Hubbard claimed this modified lie detector could measure the electrical characteristics of your thoughts and help achieve spiritual enlightenment. Users held two tin cans connected to a meter while being asked questions. A needle supposedly revealed deep psychological truths.

Scientifically, it was just a simple ohmmeter measuring skin resistance—the same principle behind mood rings. But it cost considerably more and came with significantly more baggage.

Why carry a portable radio when you could wear one on your head? This invention looked like a regular pint-sized baseball cap but contained a tiny AM radio with an antenna poking out the top. Earphones ran down to your ears, letting you listen to broadcasts while keeping your hands free.

The problem was that you looked absolutely ridiculous, like an alien trying to blend in at a baseball game. The reception was terrible, the batteries died quickly, and the whole contraption was uncomfortable.

DECEPTIVE TERMINOLOGY

Watch your mouth! 10 words that sound like insults but aren’t

Image: Unsplash

Even if you consider yourself a skilled wordsmith, the English language can still catch you off guard. Some words that sound innocent are actually quite nasty, while others that might raise eyebrows are perfectly harmless and have entirely different meanings. For your convenience —and because they're quite amusing— we've gathered some of the foulest-sounding suspects in the dictionary. So, next time someone asks if you play the humpenscrump or whether you happen to be a ballhooter in your free time, don't rush to be offended. Read this article first!

Image: Fitsum Admasu

No, it doesn't mean anything even remotely related to what you are likely thinking. Fartlek is a Swedish term meaning "speed play." It refers to a training method used by runners that involves varying their pace throughout a run. This technique allegedly helps improve both speed and endurance, making workouts more dynamic and engaging.

That said, unless you're talking with a professional runner, we don’t recommend asking your friends or family if they fartlek daily.

Image: Dmitry Grigoriev

"Have you seen that pretty bumbass?" may sound questionable, but in reality, it’s a rather cute observation. Bumbass is an old dialect word from northern England that simply means bumblebee.

These mostly harmless and industrious insects are crucial for pollination and play a vital role in maintaining healthy ecosystems. So, the next time you spot a bumbass in your garden, you can refer to it by name, it won’t get offended and sting you!

Image: Joshua J. Cotten

It almost feels like it’s the perfect word to call someone annoying or obnoxious. But again, its real meaning couldn’t be further from that. A pontoon is a flat-bottomed boat or a floating structure used to support bridges, docks, or piers.

Curiously, the original word is derived from Old French, and it was spelled "ponton" until World War II when American engineers added an "o" to differentiate between the bridge itself (ponton) and the floats used to provide buoyancy (pontoon).

Image: Chris Yang

You can almost imagine a vile and hunched creature, muttering incomprehensible things behind your back, but perhaps that's more of a hobgoblin. A slobgollion, on the other hand, is something entirely different.

In mining terminology, slobgollion refers to a watery mixture of ore and dirt. And while it might still sound somewhat unappealing, it plays a crucial role in the mineral extraction process by assisting in the separation of valuable metals from the surrounding material.

Image: Lena Kudryavtseva

Smearcase is an old term for a type of cottage cheese with roots in American German communities in Ohio, Pennsylvania, and Baltimore. The word itself derives from the phonetic spelling of the German word Schmierkäse, which quite literally means "spreadable cheese."

You can still call someone a smearcase, I guess, but —especially if they are of German origin— they won't feel insulted in the least, though they might find you amusing.

Image: Dan Page

A haboob is a type of intense duststorm or sandstorm that occurs in arid regions, particularly in the Middle East and North Africa. The term originates from the Arabic word habūb meaning "to blow."

While the term might sound like something out of a fantasy novel, haboobs are a real and significant meteorological phenomenon that affect weather patterns and daily life in the regions they impact. Today, the term is even used to describe seasonal dust storms in Arizona.

Image: Jack Hamilton

Klaberjass is a popular card game with roots in the Netherlands and Germany, known for its complex rules and strategic play. Also known as Bela, it is part of the Jass family of card games, which enjoys widespread popularity across Europe.

The name klaberjass comes from the Dutch word klaverjas, which combines klaver (meaning "clover," referring to the suit of clubs) and jas (which means "Jack"). In this game, players use a deck of 32 cards and strive to win tricks and score points through a mix of strategy and luck. Despite its unusual name, Klaberjass is enjoyed by many for its depth and the social interaction it fosters.

Image: Ben White

Clatterfart is an archaic term for a gossip or someone who talks too much. If you know someone who can’t keep a secret and feels compelled to talk about everything, constantly, then that person is certainly a clatterfart!

Although it doesn’t sound too nice, it’s not necessarily rude, either. A clatterfart might simply be a person who enjoys conversing with others, albeit perhaps with too much enthusiasm and energy.

Image: Mario La Pergola

Although it would not seem out of place in the mouth of an angry medieval tavern keeper ("Begone from mine tavern, ye filthy humpenscrumps!"), the term humpenscrump is not at all what it seems.

Actually, humpenscrump is a whimsical old English word for a sort of cruder version of the hurdy-gurdy, a popular medieval musical stringed instrument played by turning a hand-crank wheel that rubs against the strings.

Image: Afif Ramdhasuma

Kerfuffle means a commotion or fuss, especially one caused by conflicting views. It often implies a trivial argument that has been blown out of proportion, and it is a light-hearted way to describe minor conflicts.

While its modern form dates back to the early 20th century, it has older roots. The term is an alteration of carfuffle, a Scottish word that means "agitation" or more generally, the "state of being disordered or ruffled."